Friday, March 27, 2009

My ORACLE (the owl)

I have been asked by many in the Empire to explain a little more about ORACLE (the owl).  So, here is the story of how I met ORACLE and what he does.

oracle I first met ORACLE near Headquarters (HQ) a couple of years ago while I was wandering around bestowing my benevolent domination on various things.  He was perched on a low branch in a tree, and was so still, I barely noticed him.  In fact, if I were some other animal (such as Minion #1 [@tipperthedog]), I don’t think I would have noticed ORACLE at all that day.  I, however, having extra-keen powers of observation, immediately noticed ORACLE and inquired as to his name and business there at HQ.

ORACLE told me that his name is ORACLE and he asked me what I was doing there at HQ.  I replied that I asked him FIRST.  He said that he would tell me his business after we have a meal together because that is what civilized animals do – have meals together.

I called Minion #1 and had her prepare a bowl of kibble for us.  ORACLE refused to touch the kibble which I thought was rude for such a civilized animal as himself, but then spotted SPYCAT (enemy!) who was about to mangle yet another vole.  At this point, ORACLE swooped down upon the vole, removing it from the clutches of SPYCAT’s paws and – you are not going to believe this – he swallowed the vole whole.

I was concerned about this since the Empire is allied with the voles, but ORACLE assured me that he was ensuring that the vole would not suffer at the hands of SPYCAT.  …which I suppose made some sense.

In any case, ORACLE explained to me that I should continue to keep SPYCAT at bay and that he would provide me with the emperor-like wisdom, expert advice on dominating things and news of other parts of the Empire.  I wasn’t too sure about it until he explained to me that all great emperors have an ORACLE to advise them and if I was a great emperor, then I needed an ORACLE too.

Here is some of ORACLE’s recent advice:

“Good counsel has no price.”

I THOUGHT that this meant that his advice was free, but ORACLE is always asking for something such as food or nesting materials.

"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown."

This is indeed true.  I used to wear a crown, but it was so heavy and I had to hold my head just right to keep it from falling off that I ended up getting a neck-ache.  See, this is the type of advice makes me think that ORACLE is so wise.

“Cry 'Havoc!' and let slip the dogs of war, that this foul deed shall smell above the earth.”

When ORACLE said this, I assumed that he was talking about my poop, but on later reflection I realized that this was not true.  I now understand that he was talking about Minion #1’s poop (which is MUCH more foul than mine).

"You could be bounded in a nutshell and count yourself a king of infinite space.”

I THINK he means here that I am large – ok – FAT.  He thinks I am fat.  But I will have EVERYONE know that I do NOT take up infinite space.  I only take up the amount of space that fits comfortably under my blankie.

“How now? A rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!”

On this matter, I do think that poor ORACLE was confused.  Those were dead VOLES, not RATS that SPYCAT attacked.  Also, he mispronounced the word “cat”.  It is probably due to his strange accent.

Anyway, that is the story of how I met ORACLE (the owl) and a brief explanation of his role in the Empire.  Please let me know if you have heard of any other ORACLEs as wise as this one.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Alliances, Enemies, and Other Relationships

It seems that there has been some confusion within the Empire about the particular political alliances. So, I have decided to explain the alliances and antagonistic relationships that I am aware of and participate in.

First, I want to correct the notion that all members of the same species are allied with each other and that the Empire treats them all the same. It seems odd and short sighted to me that that it is the PEOPLE are the ones who seem to want to propagate this idea the most. When the fact it is the PEOPLE who seem tohave innumerable alliances and wars within various factions of their OWN species. The one exception to this rule is the INSECTS (EVIL!). Nearly all of the insects are EVIL and are to be treated as such.

Next, the main alliances within the Empire are between the residents of HQ: myself (of course), Minion #1 (@tipperthedog), some people (I don't know the names they call themselves), some birds who live near HQ and surveil SPYCAT (ENEMY!), the Voles of HQ (whom I attempt to protect despite their seeming desire for self destruction) and a white-tailed rabbit who I call FLUFFY.

The next tier of alliances is with those who live outside of the immediate area of HQ, but who are friends in one way or another. There is, of course, those who are in my cabinet (such as @PennyCat). Then there are those such as ORACLE (the Owl) who live in their own secret hideout near HQ, but not IN HQ.

I realize that this is all very confusing, but to make it all crystal clear, I have devised a chart. If you study this chart carefully, it should answer all of your questions. In the unlikely event that there is still some confusion, please leave me a comment, e-mail or tweet. I really don't know how I managed to rule my Empire before twitter. I have to remember to thank the ORACLE for telling me about it.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Paris Mission Debriefing

Well, Empire, it has been a long journey, but I m finally home from the diplomatic journey to provide France an opportunity to join the Empire. I was unable to relate much of my journey while "in country" due to the fact that I was unable to bring my computer with me and it was difficult to find a suitable internet cafe that would allow dogs without their people inside (again, so xenophobic and anti-dog!)

Anyway, I began my journey by arriving at Charles de Gaulle Airport at about 6 AM. This was strange since the airplane took off at about 7PM. By my calculations, the flight lasted six hours which means that we should have landed at...umm...let's see...well, the time we should have landed is unimportant, but the fact is that Paris (and possibly all of France) exists outside the same space-time continuum as The Empire. I am not sure what this means, but I believe the airport LOOKS like a time machine and so all of Paris may not actually exist in our normal time. (If anyone knows WHO created this airport-time-shifting-device, I shall contract with him to create one for HQ.)

The next order of business was to find accommodations and FOOD. I was able to procure sufficient lodging at a place called PORT MY-OH. They COMLETELY mis-spelled this name on all the signs. (In fact, none of the signs in Paris were spelled correctly. It is as if they were writing in a different language!) I was, however, able to view most of the major landmarks of the city from my room.

The next part of my mission involved finding one of the two current rulers: Sarkozy or Napoleon. I saw many posters all over the city of this Sarkozy. I did not, however, ever see the actual Sarkozy, himself. The only conclusion I can come to is that Sarkozy does not actually exist or that he is no longer in charge and has been replaced by Napoleon...who I DID actually meet.

Everyone I talked to about Napoleon seemed to think rather poorly of him, but the man himself was actually quite pleasant...a bit short, but I (unlike many others) never judge anyone by height. I believe that Napoleon's best quality was his innate ability to conceive superior military strategies. He also bought me a lot of food (which is in itself a superior military strategy).

So, Napoleon and I had a meal together and discussed "the Empire", though Napoleon kept referring to it as HIS Empire. I corrected him on this point, but after I explained to him him about HQ, Minion #1 (@tipperthedog), my cabinet and the other acquisitions I have recently made to my Empire, he agreed to SELL FRANCE to me for the price of dinner. Though I usually prefer to CONQUER things rather than PAY for them, this Napoleon fellow was so jovial, that I agreed to his terms and now, guess what? PARIS IS MINE! (Honestly, I can't believe that France GAVE UP so easily.)

I decided to spend the night at an appropriate location for my triumph over France. A large monument called Arc de Triomphe. Napoleon told me that this was created especially in anticipation of the DOMINATION OF FRANCE. It turns out that it was really cold there and that the police didn't like me being there. I am sure it was just jealousy that THEY hadn't thought to buy Napoleon dinner before.

At that point, I hung up a great banner at the Arc that said "Mission Accomplished" and packed for the return to HQ and the glowing admiration of Minion #1 and others who were awaiting my glorious return with the key to the city of Paris!

After a very long flight, I ended up in a place called New Ark. I boarded the next plane and ended up in Phil a'Delphia. None of these pilots seemed to understand where I lived and where I was trying to go. I kept asking for a flight to HQ, but NONE of them knew where it was. At this point, I was cursing the fact that I had kept the location of HQ a secret from everyone.

Oh well, in any case, I did make it back to HQ where the people were still blundering around as usual, Minion #1 was eating SPYCAT's food, SPYCAT had declared war with the local Mole population and where my blankie was awaiting my return.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Ouah! Ouah! Bon Jour!

IMG_0435Well, I did make it to Paris eventually.  I was able to purchase a ticket from Newark to Paris.  The flight took only 6 hours, but it it was already TOMORROW when I got off the plane.  Time is different here.

In any case, my first impressions of this city is that cars are very small and colorful, buildings are big and colorless and the best part is that DOGS ARE ALLOWED ON THE TRAINS!  This makes it very easy for me to get around the city.  In fact, dogs seem to be fairly well respected in most parts of the city.  Aside from the obvious reasons that being dog-friendly is good, it also means less work for ME when I complete my DOMINATION of Paris because there are fewer rules I will have to change.

I have also been able to find satisfactory accommodations near Port Maillot. I am on a very high floor which is good for seeing a lot of the city out of my window and for dominating things.IMG_0438

I do hope that Minon #1 (@tipperthedog) is doing a good job running HQ and maintaining the integrity and respectfulness of the motherland of the Empire.  I also hope that she doesn’t get her tongue stuck on anything since I won’t be there to help her.

My next mission is to go find some people who can tell me where they run this place from so I can begin negotiations.  I will report back soon.  Au revoir.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Airplanes, Xenophobes and Jail Cells

Ok. This is NOT starting off well. First, I found out that you have to BUY A TICKET before the let you on the plane! And those tickets cost HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS. Where do they expect me to get that kind of money? Really? I mean, I’m a DOG! I always thought that money was a people sort of thing, but it turns out that people control all of the airplanes and they want money if before they let you get on them!

I was able to find an ATM and access one of my Swiss bank accounts, but then I found out that they only sell ticket to people.  I told the ticket agent that her refusal to sell me a ticket was xenophobic and discriminatory.  She looked at me with a confused look (sort of like the look Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) gives me when I try to explain things such as how to tell time or the basic principles of economics to her).  Anyway, at this point, the ticket agent just said that it was a RULE that she couldn’t sell tickets to dogs and that I would have to take it up with the management.

Well, since I didn’t want to miss my flight and had no desire to speak with the “management” of an organization that would hire such a person anyway, I decided to modify my strategy.  I eventually found a woman who was going to Newark International Airport and who was willing to buy my ticket for me.

The only downside to this was that I had to board the flight in a trap-like device that looked like a miniature jail cell.  As if it wasn’t enough to be treated like a second-class citizen, I had to endure the humiliation of  spending the entire flight in this cage!

Anyway…the next task is to procure a ticket to Paris!!


Friday, March 13, 2009

Beware the Ides of March

I really have no idea why I should beware of the "ides of March", but I hear the people always saying to beware of them. This saying makes NO SENSE AT ALL to me. I have lived through many March 15s without incident. It's really the 17th that seems to be more dangerous to me. I have always thought that I would understand my people better if I could understand some of their proverbs. I have given up on my local people, but in anticipation of my impending DOMINATION OF FRANCE, I have been researching some French proverbs to help me better understand the French psyche.

"A blind hen can sometimes find her corn."

I take this to mean that the French don't think much of the intelligence of chickens. I agree.

"A churl knows not the work of spurs."

This is really just nonsense and has no meaning as far as I can tell. Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) says that it means that bad people aren't honorable, but I think she is just making that up. I really have no idea what she is saying half the time either.

"A clear conscience is a good pilow."

Honestly, the French have no sense of what makes a good pillow. I prefer my blankie. I hope that they have more than consciences to sleep on in France or this could be a long trip.

"A dog may look at a bishop."

Well...of course...I look at anything or anyone I please. I don't need their permission. They should be asking MY permission (as the emperor).

"After a feast, a man scratches his head."

I have NEVER seen this happen. Perhaps it is a mistranslation of the well known dog proverb, "After an itch, a dog will scratch." Hmmm...hard to tell.

"All cats are alike gray at night."

I don't understand the singling out of cats in this one. Pretty much EVERYTHING is gray at night, right?

"Half figs, half raisins."

Ummm. I don't know what figs or raisins...probably some exotic French word for sleeping or eating. THAT would make sense. I pretty much spend half my time sleeping or eating. Hmmm...maybe these French will not be so bad after all.

Well, this exercise hasn't really gotten be very far in better understanding the French. My next task will be to plot out my itinerary. Stand by for details...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Domination du Monde

Since our ADVENTURE went so well yesterday and since I was able to add two bridges, a LION and Jimmy One-Eye to the EMPIRE, I have decided to try INTERNATIONAL DOMINATION!

After carefully researching ALL of the foreign lands available for possible DOMINATION, Minion #1 (@TipperTheDog) and I have selected France. The reasons we selected France are:
  1. They reportedly have a lot of CHEESE which is very licky according to Minion #1.
  2. Two of my idols live there: Nicolas Sarkozy and Napoleon Bonaparte

My next tasks are:
  1. Research the location of France.
  2. Research the location of ME.
  3. Research how to get ME to France.
My mission there will be to establish a diplomatic relationship between the me and whomever is in charge of France. I will do this by means of DIPLOMACY which I have read about and am referencing here:

Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
Isaac Goldberg
Anyway, if anyone knows anything about France or has any FRANCE DOMINATION tips, let me know. Your dedication to the Empire will be rewarded!


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Waypoint #6 - The Bridge to Nowhere

After stopping at a quaint little riverside eatery, Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) and I were finally able to cross the Bridge to Nowhere...which is actually the bridge that takes us back to HQ. So, it's actually NOT a Bridge to Nowhere, but a Bridge to HQ.

Anyway, we did have to skip our stop at the CANNON (waypoint #5) which really disappointed me because I was hoping to see if I could somehow attach it to Minion #1's collar so we could haul it home to aid in the defense of the Empire. I shall have to save the task of cannon acquisition for another day.

Here is a picture before our dinner.
Here is a picture after dinner.

After dinner, we walked to the middle of the bridge where there was a man working. I attempted to explain the benefits of joining the Empire to him. He tried to chase us away and defend the bridge (with his broom-wielding-martial-arts), but we were too smart for him. Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) licked him really good and when he leaned over to say hello to her, I untied his shoes. Then he really got upset because he knew that meant that we had won the battle and that the bridge was now part of the Empire.

We finished crossing the bridge and went home where our people were waiting at HQ. They seemed irritated when we arrived, probably because they have a hard time doing much of anything without us. But they eventually hugged Minion #1 and gave us some food (which we didn't eat because we had already eaten dinner...honestly, they act like we can't take care of ourselves).

It turned out to be a fairly profitable day in the end. Here is a recap:
  1. Learned that flowers are NOT licky.
  2. Added a small bridge and a big LION to the Empire.
  3. Learned that LIONs wear armor and are NOT licky.
  4. Discovered that WARSHIPs are AWESOME (and hopefully come in blue for my birthday).
  5. Found out that treasure maps from the salesman by the bus station are NOT accurate.
  6. Met Jimmy One-Eye who helped us dig at WAYPOINT #4.
  7. Ate a three course dinner at a nice restaurant before winning a battle at the Bridge to Nowhere which is now also part of the Empire!
And now, I am going to go to sleep and dream about setting sail in my beautiful blue WARSHIP.


Waypoint #4 - Buried Treasure

Well, I have to say, waypoint #4 was most disappointing. Let me tell you why. At some point in the past, I acquired a buried treasure map from a reliable local merchant who deals in such things. (Don't ask me who or where. I am sworn to secrecy.)

Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) and I were able to locate the spot where the buried treasure was supposed to be. When we arrived at the spot with the large "X" on the ground, there was another dog (Jimmy One-Eye) already looking in the same spot. I don't know how this one-eyed canine knew about the treasure since the merchant who sold me that my copy of the treasure map told me that it was the only one in existence and he SWORE that he hadn't told anyone else about it. Obviously, Jimmy One-Eye was a psychic of some sort.

Since we showed Jimmy our map and told him that we were the rightful owner of treasure due to the Rule of Finders Keepers, he agreed to help us dig for the the treasure in exchange for a share.

Alas, we dug up the whole area and there was no treasure to be found. Well, actually Jimmy did most of the digging. Minion #1 was wandering around licking things most of the time and I was, of course, supervising the effort...and napping.

After I awoke, Jimmy One-Eye was gone, the hole he dug was empty and Minion #1 was eating the last of the food we packed. When I asked where Jimmy One-Eye went, Minion #1 said, "Is there any more kibble?" which I took to mean, "Jimmy finished digging, but didn't find anything and left in disappointment."

I shall have some strong words for that treasure map salesperson!

Oh well, sometimes even a blind pig finds an acorn. ...or doesn't find an acorn. Because isn't that what you would expect? Nevermind. Ignore the blind pig! ONWARD to the next WAYPOINT!!

Waypoint #3 - BATTLESHIP

We have arrived at waypoint #3.  We were able to see a great WARSHIP.  It was AWESOME!  In case anyone needs to know what to get me for my next birthday, it should be a WARSHIP. (I will also need a crew, but @pennycat actually picked out a crew for a pirate ship at one point, so maybe we can get them to help.  I like if WARSHIPs come in blue, that would be nice.

Anyway, Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) was a bit frustrated by this waypoint because she wasn't able to actually lick the WARSHIP.  It was too far away for her tongue to reach.  She tried, but alas, the WASRHIP was un-lickable.  I have no idea what WARSHIPs are made of, but they look like they are made of the same thing that our kibbles are made of and they smell fishy which you would think would make them very licky.

Note: Dexter's law of lickiness is: "The larger and browner an object, the more licky it is."
It was too far away to hear us when we asked it if it would join the Empire, but here is a picture of the WARSHIP anyway.  We are now on our way to WAYPOINT #4 - TREASURE!!  I will let you know when we arrive.

Waypoint #2: LION Joins the Empire

We arrived at the LION a short while ago and attempted to commnicate with it, but it was no use.  The LION didn't seem to want anything to do with us.  It was almost as if it was sleeping, but it didn't breathe or make any snoring sounds at all like Minion #1 (@TipperTheDog) does when she sleeps.  I believe it was the guardian of the large bridge where it lives and was just taking its job very seriously.

In addition to being unresponsive, the LION was also much larger than I thought it would be and only looked a little like @pennycat.  It was much larger than me, even when I was standing on Minion #1's head and it was a strange shade of gray.  It's coat was rough and hard, like armor. (Note to self: see if I can find a suitable supplier of similar armor for myself.)

When we arrived, I called out "Hello there!" to the LION, but it was silent and unmoving.  Then I asked it if it was friendly to the Empire, but it still didn't respond.  Finally I said, "If you wish for you and the bridge you are guarding, to join our Empire, there is no need to respond."  The LION said nothing, so I am happy to report that our Empire has now grown by one LION and a bridge.

Minion #1 then asked if she could lick the LION and before I could explain to her that LIONs don't really like to be licked, she had already started licking. Her opinion was that LIONs are NOT licky.

Now...we press onward to WAYPOINT #3!!

Waypoint #1 - Flowers: Daffodils

Well, we have been adventuring for what seems like DAYS now.  My legs are getting tired, but we are pressing on with our plans.  We have finally made it to our first landmark...the flowers.  My guidebook tells me that these flowers are called DAFFODILS.  They look nice, but Minon #1 (@TipperTheDog) says that they are NOT good to lick.  ...she would know.

Anyway...we are now off to find a LION.  I have never seen one, but my understanding is that they are some type of cat...probably much like Pennsylvania.  If anyone has any tips on how to deal with LIONS please let me know.

The Adventure

Minion #1 (@TipperTheDog) and I are about to set out on an ADVENTURE today.  We have had a slow start since we had some trouble working the doorknob, but we were able to sneak out when one of my people left the door open while feeding the SPY CAT (evil!).

I've included the map we are using for our ADVENTURE below so you can follow us around.  I also tasked Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) with acquiring one of the people's iPhones so we can post updates here and on twitter or send for help if needed during our ADVENTURE.

Check in periodically today to see what we have found.

We're OFF!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Curses, Spy Cat!

photo by you.Yesterday HQ was invaded by the SPY CAT. This enemy action was unexpected and a bit unsettling since it caught me completely off guard. It also bothered me that @tipperthedog didn't defend the motherland during the incursion.

Here is the story: it was approximately 18:34 when the rear gate to HQ was breached by one of the people. (Note to self: remind the people NOT to open this gate...unless I want to go out..or come in.)

Once the gate was breached, the SPY CAT raced in and went straight for our food stores. This attack was obviously meant to weaken the empire's ability project its power into the area beyond the rear gate of HQ.

Please be on the lookout for this cat! He is an enemy of the empire and is assumed to be CLAWED and DANGEROUS!

I have included plans for my SPY CAT trap as well as some pertinent surveillance camera photos of the incident below.

SPY CAT Trapping and Flinging Device

To prevent this sort of incident from occurring in the future, I have devised clever plans for a device to fling SPY CAT into space if he tries such a thing in the future.

If there are any faithful citizens of the empire reading this who have access to the necessary high-grade steel and welding equipment, please let me know.  Your aid to the security of the empire will be rewarded.

Also, if anyone has a better power source than (@tipperthedog), please let me know.  She is somewhat unreliable and tends to stop to lick things instead of staying focused on the task at hand.

SPY CAT Surveillance Photos

Figure 1: In this photo, we see the SPY CAT sneaking in and making sure that nobody is around before he begins to STEAL our food. Note the EVIL look in his eyes. 

Figure 2: In this photo, we see the SPY CAT starting to consume our food stores.

Figure 3: This is where I rushed in to attempt to take out the target (SPY CAT!).  (@tipperthedog was, of course, nowhere to be seen.  When questioned later, she said "I thought he was hungry."  Humph!)

Figure 4: This photo shows the SPY CAT relaxing outside of HQ in his evil post-incursion glow.

Friday, March 6, 2009


This morning as I sat here looking out over my empire. I realized that life is really not ALL about WORLD DOMINATION (mostly, yes, but not completely). Sometimes, it’s about the simple things. For example, I really like barking at people who walk down the sidewalk in front of headquarters. I also like barking at birds, large insects (ENEMIES!), tennis balls, small insects (ENEMIES!), leaves, airplanes, helicopters, running water, OOH, did I say tennis balls? Yes…said that already. Anyway, you get the point. There are a lot of things to bark at and it gives me great pleasure to do so.

tip_and_dex_1Also, as much as I complain about Minion #1 (@tipperthedog), she really isn’t all that bad. Sometimes it’s actually quite nice to have her around. For example, periodically, I get something sticky on my ear or somewhere else that I can’t reach with my own tongue. She will always get it for me. She also guards my food bowl to help ensure that the cat won’t get to it. (A bit overzealously at times…occasionally preventing ME from getting to it.) And she even puts herself at risk while trying to protect me by making sure that she tastes all of my food before I eat to make sure that it’s safe. THAT’S dedication!Yes, it is true that she doesn’t really share my love of barking at things and she has no real desire or understanding of our quest for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION, but she does have other qualities that make it really not too terrible to have her around.

I realize that I am rambling a bit, but the point is that WORLD DOMINATION is meaningless unless it also provides each of us with some positive outcome as well. For example, I will have more things to bark at. Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) will have more things to lick. The Primary Parrot (@rudytheparrot) will get assistance with controlling his nemesis (THE CAT WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED). Cat #1 (@pennycat) will get…well…I’m sure that there are things that she will appreciate in our new world order too.

So, I’d like to hear from all of the loyal citizens of the empire. What are the things that will give you the most pleasure once we achieve TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION? Leave a comment below, e-mail me at or tag it with #dextersempire on twitter.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My Philosophy on Ruling THE WORLD!

With all of the talk about WORLD DOMINATION and other such things, I have received several comments from those who seem to believe that I am -or want to be- a monarch. So, I wanted to use this space today to explain a little bit about my philosophy on WORLD DOMINATION.

First, I want everyone to understand that I am not now, nor have I ever been a king. I am philosophically opposed to monarchies. I know that I LOOK like a king because of my striking features and royal stance, but I was born a poor four-paw just like most of the other animals out there. Whatever notoriety I have achieved thus far has been accomplished by sheer force of will and is largely due to my great intelligence. Monarchies are all about birthrights, I, however, rule because I DESERVE TO.

I am also not a dictator, nor am I an elected official. It is my belief that most of those out there (present company excluded) are imbeciles and are incapable of choosing their own governments. (I mean...just look at them...especially, the peoples...without me they would probably be dead in a week.)

So, below, I have included a chart which shows how my government will be organized. I believe that it is very logical and can only be the product of a very enlightened individual (ME!). I am sure that all of my readers will agree.

There are still many positions that I need to fill in my cabinet. So, if you are not listed here, please do not despair. Simply submit your resume or application to me (@dexterthedog or All applications will be considered. I am an equal opportunity emperor. I do not discriminate against people or cats.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Foiled Again

Fig.1 Flying Machine
This morning I walked into the unused field across from headquarters (my house).  Since it appeared to be unused, I went ahead and marked it as MINE!  While there, I found the flying machine I require.  I need this machine because my legs are so short.  This will provide the means to better survey all the land around me that I will eventually DOMINATE.

I have tried to get on top of the furniture to conduct my surveys, but 1) most of the furniture is made for people with long legs 2) the people keep taking me off of the furniture (INFIDELS!) and 3) the furniture is inside the house which makes it difficult to conduct surveys beyond the living room.

In any case, while I was trying to get Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) to start the flying device, she went into spastic fit and started rolling on the ground.  Honestly, I don't know how we ever get anything done.  By the time she was done, the people came over and took over the flying machine leaving us there on the ground.  How frustrating!!

The only positive thing that came out of this experience was that I found a piece of paper on the ground with pictures of an uninhabited island.  From the pictures, it looks very warm and not at all cold and snowy like it is here now.  (Curse the weather-controller people for making it snow!)  My plan is to research this and see if it is possible to take over the entire island, but I need to find a pack-mate with more knowledge of geography to assist us.  My people took all of my maps away and Minion #1 is lucky to find her water dish in the mornings much less find the location of a desert island.

So, I am soliciting new pack-members who possess at least a modicum of knowledge about geography and are willing to aid in the quest for WORLD DOMINATION!!  Who is with me?!

Monday, March 2, 2009


Today I made the people take me for a ride in the car. After this experience, I believe that there may have been a slight problem with some of my calculations regarding the population of the earth.

Previously, I had counted 27 other domiciles, but after the car ride today, it appears that there may actually be several hundred other houses and maybe more than 200 people on in the world. This does not include other dogs, cats, birds or insects (ENEMIES!)

This means that I must recruit MORE ANIMALS to participate in my ultimate quest toward WORLD DOMINATION!!!  Join me on twitter to aid in the cause!

@tipperthedog (Minion #1) is attempting to recruit more followers, but she keeps stopping to lick things thus delaying the inevitable WORLD DOMINATION that we seek.

Tomorrow, I will commandeer a helicopter to better survey the lay of the land and plan my next attack on the adjacent domiciles.

In the mean-time, I have hacked into a military surveillance satellite and retrieved the following picture which represents the entirety of the known world.

Tomorrow...more details on the helicopter ride...and more naps!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Objective: Capture Half of the Known World!!

Today's lesson involves the specifics of how we plan to take over the rest of the known world.

Question: Which of the remaining local domiciles will we capture next?

Answer: This is a trick question! The correct answer is "ALL OF THEM!!!" (All of us dogs say this while shaking one paw furiously in the air.)

As you can see by looking at the map, I have carefully planned all of this out to the last detail.

First, we must divert all of the pedestrian traffic from the sidewalk in front of the house. This will be accomplished by means of a small explosive device and a barricade. Once the cement path is destroyed, the people will be unable to travel and chaos will ensue!

Next, I will send Minion #1 (@tipperthedog) to the adjacent domicile where Gus the enemy dog lives. Her mission there will be to eat all of Gus' food and LICK EVERYTHING so that the people won't want any of it. Once we have captured this objective, we will be much much closer to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION!!

At this point in my plan, I will have captured two of the twenty-seven houses in the known world. My best intelligence agents tell me that the total population of the world is about 75 people, 23 dogs, 14 cats and about 47 other animals including bugs and birds (ENEMIES). My math may be a little bit off, but as I press onward I will update the maps and achieve a more accurate world census.

@tipperthedog practicing tongue
calisthenics for combative licking

More updates after nap...