Saturday, March 21, 2009

Paris Mission Debriefing

Well, Empire, it has been a long journey, but I m finally home from the diplomatic journey to provide France an opportunity to join the Empire. I was unable to relate much of my journey while "in country" due to the fact that I was unable to bring my computer with me and it was difficult to find a suitable internet cafe that would allow dogs without their people inside (again, so xenophobic and anti-dog!)

Anyway, I began my journey by arriving at Charles de Gaulle Airport at about 6 AM. This was strange since the airplane took off at about 7PM. By my calculations, the flight lasted six hours which means that we should have landed at...umm...let's see...well, the time we should have landed is unimportant, but the fact is that Paris (and possibly all of France) exists outside the same space-time continuum as The Empire. I am not sure what this means, but I believe the airport LOOKS like a time machine and so all of Paris may not actually exist in our normal time. (If anyone knows WHO created this airport-time-shifting-device, I shall contract with him to create one for HQ.)


The next order of business was to find accommodations and FOOD. I was able to procure sufficient lodging at a place called PORT MY-OH. They COMLETELY mis-spelled this name on all the signs. (In fact, none of the signs in Paris were spelled correctly. It is as if they were writing in a different language!) I was, however, able to view most of the major landmarks of the city from my room.

The next part of my mission involved finding one of the two current rulers: Sarkozy or Napoleon. I saw many posters all over the city of this Sarkozy. I did not, however, ever see the actual Sarkozy, himself. The only conclusion I can come to is that Sarkozy does not actually exist or that he is no longer in charge and has been replaced by Napoleon...who I DID actually meet.

Everyone I talked to about Napoleon seemed to think rather poorly of him, but the man himself was actually quite pleasant...a bit short, but I (unlike many others) never judge anyone by height. I believe that Napoleon's best quality was his innate ability to conceive superior military strategies. He also bought me a lot of food (which is in itself a superior military strategy).

So, Napoleon and I had a meal together and discussed "the Empire", though Napoleon kept referring to it as HIS Empire. I corrected him on this point, but after I explained to him him about HQ, Minion #1 (@tipperthedog), my cabinet and the other acquisitions I have recently made to my Empire, he agreed to SELL FRANCE to me for the price of dinner. Though I usually prefer to CONQUER things rather than PAY for them, this Napoleon fellow was so jovial, that I agreed to his terms and now, guess what? PARIS IS MINE! (Honestly, I can't believe that France GAVE UP so easily.)

I decided to spend the night at an appropriate location for my triumph over France. A large monument called Arc de Triomphe. Napoleon told me that this was created especially in anticipation of the DOMINATION OF FRANCE. It turns out that it was really cold there and that the police didn't like me being there. I am sure it was just jealousy that THEY hadn't thought to buy Napoleon dinner before.

At that point, I hung up a great banner at the Arc that said "Mission Accomplished" and packed for the return to HQ and the glowing admiration of Minion #1 and others who were awaiting my glorious return with the key to the city of Paris!

After a very long flight, I ended up in a place called New Ark. I boarded the next plane and ended up in Phil a'Delphia. None of these pilots seemed to understand where I lived and where I was trying to go. I kept asking for a flight to HQ, but NONE of them knew where it was. At this point, I was cursing the fact that I had kept the location of HQ a secret from everyone.

Oh well, in any case, I did make it back to HQ where the people were still blundering around as usual, Minion #1 was eating SPYCAT's food, SPYCAT had declared war with the local Mole population and where my blankie was awaiting my return.

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